find a penny pick it up

i've been recently contemplating what role mere luck has in my life. i have notoriously bad luck. i believe my mother once said that if it weren't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all. but how much of one's life is based solely on luck or coincidence? are they the same things? i think that blessings and little miracles and lucky breaks all fall into the same category under the same heading....timing. if i had left 2 minutes earlier i wouldn't have gotten into this accident. if i had run back for the forgotten eggs than i wouldn't have bumped into my soulmate (if only!)

lately, i've been feeling really unlucky. my heart is really broken and i am really sad. being lucky in love is a notion that has eluded me my entire life. and as disheartening as this is, sometimes i wonder if it's better this way. better that i don't have lovely memories of times that are no longer, keeping me up at night. or is it worse that the memories i do have cause pain, yet i cannot seem to let go of my white-knuckled grip on them. this i don't know the answer to. i do know that there were times in the relationship where i said outloud 'i feel so lucky', and i did. if you've ever experienced moments in your life where you were with the person you wanted to be with most in the world doing the thing you wanted to do the most, consider yourself very lucky. i wish i could say i was of such a zen mind that i feel that way about every moment, because this moment is all there is. unfortunately, in this moment, i feel like shit. i feel lonely and hurt and empty and grief that is so dark and ugly that there are times i think it might swallow me. i know these are the times that i should be contemplating all the good things i have, but i'm not there yet.

maybe i need to make more wishes. who doesn't feel like the luckiest person in the world when it appears your wish has come true? i never wish anymore. when you see a child wish for something, their entire body changes. they wish with eyes closed tight and stiff arms a their sides (or is it just my child?) watching this, their belief is so infectious that you can't even fathom it not coming true. my wish for myself is that i will find my special-ness again. that i will remember how good the light feels. that i will no longer let myself be so unattended to. wish me luck.