cracking up

i had coffee with a friend last night and we commisserated about our broken hearts. she is much farther along than i am right now, in more ways than one. she has a little perspective but there is still the aspect of hanging on that plagues both of us. during the conversation, we discussed at length what we want in a relationship and i realized how long it had been since i laughed. really laughed from the gut. i don't know if there is anything more soothing than laughter. we pondered the lack of it in both of our lives and agreed that in our 20's, things were a lot funnier. i've always been rather serious, even as a child. it has taken me many years to sort of come to terms with the fact that i'm not the sunniest person around. i used to see it as a detriment. like i was supposed to be light-hearted and fun. when i tell people that my name was almost 'sunshine' we laugh together in the awareness that it would be the ultimate irony.

this is one of my favorite pictures of her. i believe i wrote her once telling her how much i loved when she really cracked up. how she would throw her head back just like a child. it was the best and i'm so glad i have it captured. it's painful to see someone i am in mourning over, looking happy in my old bedroom. i wish i could remember what was so funny.

i need to laugh again. i need a night out with people who make me smile and laugh about things that have nothing to do with my life. or maybe that is what i need - to laugh about all of it. instead i feel like crying every 5 minutes. nothing seems funny about hurting.