sunday, bloody sunday (and when i say bloody, i mean in the english way)

this weekend was not much fun. i don't even expect them to be anymore, actually. on fridays, i cannot wait to get out of work, yet there is this feeling of impending loneliness that i can't ignore. and because i'm not much a fan of going out, there really isnt the kind of escape that most people with my condition (heartbreak-itis) usually turn to. i have to face it and see if it's true - that when you re-emerge from this place, you will learn much more than if you stuffed it away and replaced it with someone else or some other unhealthy distraction. is this to say that my diet of cigarettes, pot and caffeine is unhealthy? sometimes, its all i can do to put myself together and even in that, i am failing. i look like shit. i feel like shit.

i woke up this sunday morning and i felt very heavy, like a camel storing up all my water only for it to be released all hot and salty. i let myself cry and cry and cry. it was gutteral. it was not quiet. it was fucking sad. but it was coming for several days and something i read just set me off. and then i contemplated just really going for it...getting out the cd's and the pictures and let myself be swallowed up by the grief so i could then turn around and burn it all. maybe i still will. i love the new years eve tradition of writing down all the things you want to let go of from the past year and then setting the little pieces of paper on fire and watch the ashes fly away. this sounds like a realistic alternative to the resolutions i don't even bother making. it's only july, but perhaps now is a good time for a mid-year cleanse, to purge those things that have brought me sadness in 2006. and after the blaze, surely there will be the tiniest of seeds pushing up through the embers.


*esme/andrena, little city.