every mother has one. today, i share with you the 6 hours that changed my life forever.
snowcone was due on september 10th, 2001 - one day before nine-eleven. as most delivery dates do, mine came and went without the slightest hint of movement, much less a contraction. i intended to continue working right up until i delivered, but after september 11th, i lost all desire to be anywhere except at home, waiting to meet this baby who i felt closer to than anyone else on the planet already. day after miserably hot day passed and there was still no frances. every night before i went to bed i thought 'tonight could be the night. please let tonight be it' but every morning i would wake up and spend the rest of the day hoping something would happen. skip ahead two weeks and there i am, no longer answering the 'are you still pregnant?!' phone calls. i couldn't leave my house for i thought if one more person said 'man! you look HUGE! i might go into spontaneous labor right there. my midwives were concerned about how late i was at this point. i was more concerned about my mental health since i had a very difficult (emotionally speaking) pregnancy and wanted nothing more than to get the baby out. we went in to see the doctor for a more thorough ultrasound which would check the placenta and make sure the baby still had enough amniotic fluid. he felt as though the baby was fine (this was tuesday) but if she wasn't born by friday, he wanted us at the hospital at 6 am. i immediately went home and began every known trick in the book to induce labor. my midwife brought over several herbs to start taking and i began using the breast pump non-stop, all the while i was filled with this dread that i was indeed going to have this baby in the hospital. thursday night came and i had to open all the paper bags which were prepared months before and cooked to just the right temperature in the oven (to sterilize). the preparation one must do for a home birth is extensive, and it felt like it was all for nothing. we pulled out all the blankets and the onesies, packed our cloth diapers and burts bees soap into my bag and set the alarm for 4am. waking up on the morning of the day you know your child is going to be born is the most surreal experience you could ever imagine. i took a long shower and got an unexpected phone call from a good friend, offering encouraging words. my midwife met us at the hospital at 6am. as soon as i got changed and settled into the bed, i started to cry. this wasn't the way this was supposed to happen. i was angry and afraid and no longer felt i had any control over what was going on around me. i tried to change the atmosphere as much as possible but there was no hiding the fact that this was going to be a hospital birth. the nurse started the small dose of pitocin (to induce contractions) around 7am. by 9am, the contractions hit me like a freight train. i remember the television was on and it was regis and kathy lee and as i was leaning over the bed tray i yelled to someone 'turn it off!'
contractions feel like you have to go to the bathroom real bad. number 2. i kept getting out of bed thinking i needed to go, dragging my i.v. with me while trying to keep the back of the hospital gown closed. as the contractions got heavier and heavier, my back felt like someone was trying to cut me in half. i kept saying 'my back hurts so bad' and that i just wanted a little something to take the edge off. luckily, during my contractions, i had either one or both midwives right in front of me breathing the entire one minute roller coaster with me. it is absolutely the only thing that saved me from the drugs. and when the contraction was over, i would fall asleep. after one particularly painful round, i remember one of my midwives deciding i would like it if she brushed my hair. my hair is curly and you don't brush curly hair. there i was, in the middle of labor, and all i could think was how awful my hair must have looked. i think i even made sam fix it at one point because i was so distracted by my own vanity and i was losing concentration. after several hours of this contraction/sleep combo, the strangest feeling came over me and in the middle of whatever i was saying, i had the uncontrollable need to push. like PUUUUUUUSSSHHHHHH it out. and it felt so very good. this marks the end of the painful contractions and the beginning of the painful pushing (except that it wasn't
that painful, really. just different.) we were on the home stretch. pushing was difficult, but only because there was no room to breath, not when you've got your knees pulled up to your chest like that. it was so uncomfortable and i felt extremely vulnerable in that position (strangers gazing at the goods.) i pushed several times and the dr. told me to stop, abruptly. he was going to cut during my next contraction (although at the time, i wasn't aware this was about to happen.) he then said 'push' and he made the cut at the same time. this is the first and i believe only time i screamed during labor. with that last push, frances eliet mantos was born and everyone started crying, saying 'look down! look at your baby!' but i was so overwhelmed, i couldn't wrap my brain around what just happened. they removed the cord (which was wrapped twice around frances's neck) and placed her on my bare chest. i sobbed uncontrollably. this moment was the first and last time i have experienced such intense bliss (that wasn't drug related). i could not sort this all out. here she was, beautiful and pink and perfect and mine. i spent the next 24 hours with frances attached to my breast, both of us drifting in and out of the most magical sleep. ahh....sleep. sam and i intentionally had no visitors at the hospital. we wanted to savor these first moments of frances's life and it felt like the sweetest cocoon we had created right there in the most unexpected of places.
my midwife said this to me a few days before frances was born: 'having a home-birth is an amazing experience. but you have a baby to become a mother and wherever she is born, it will be perfect.' and it was.
