catch up pt. 1

i feel like all of these things keep happening and i want to write about them but my days just slip away from me. i'm home now, waiting for my car, so i thought i'd quickly get a few things out.

i spent this past weekend at the shambhala center for a meditation retreat. i invited my friend laurie who invited her friend jenn and we all met up for the start on friday evening. i had no idea what to expect but i knew that it was something that i needed to do. after the first 2 hours on friday night, i felt really excited about what was to come for the rest of the weekend. we started again on saturday morning, alternating between sitting and walking meditations. what this consists of is sitting cross legged on the floor, keeping your mind free from the constant chatter that plagues us all, in order to be completely 'in the present.' easy enough, right? no. this was definitely not 2 days of sitting around thinking. in fact, that is what you weren't supposed to do. and just like any other direction of 'try not to do ____' - that is exactly what your mind does. the first thing that i was overcome with was the intense physical discomfort. what i later came to learn was that regardless of how many years one has practiced, it still hurts. my back was screaming in pain and i was sure that every person in this silent room must have had heard me. i tried to meditate on the pain, as i did with childbirth, but the idea is that you don't think. so it was counter-productive in spirit, to even be thinking about the pain. but after every walking meditation when we would each return to our cushion for another round of sitting, i had this feeling of 'bring it on.' i saw it as a challenge to tough it out and stay present minute after painful minute. my mind would travel between the completely mundane ('i have got to get an oil change') and the painful ('why was i not good enough?')and then be absolutely still for just a moment. 10 seconds here, 20 seconds there. and in those brief moments i had this feeling (not a thought, mind you) that i was so very happy. and it happened over and over again but only for a few seconds at a time. why? well because i had a color me badd song stuck in my head the entire fucking weekend. i tried everything i could think of - replacing it with another badd pop-song, let myself sing the whole damn thing and get it out, mentally change the station.... but nothing worked.
by the next morning, i had forgotten all about the song. that is, of course, until i sat down and thought 'wait a minute!....there's something missing here' and just like that, there it was.

here are a few other thoughts that ran through my head in between my moments of peace:

'whoa! those are loud socks'
'dude. cut your toenails'
'hmmm...she's got a lot of clips in her hair.'
'i can't stand you' (to the guy with the toenails)
'i don't know if she should be wearing that tube top'
'someone's got halitosis' (in a sing-songy voice)

i got a lot out of this weekend. i did not leave feeling enlightened. i did not leave feeling a new sense of peace or freedom from my mind. quite simply, i left learning how to meditate - something that has intimidated me for many years. and i did see what i was made of. there were people that didn't make it after the first night. and more who left after the second day. it was not easy to stay. not physically and certainly not mentally (i did have a bit of a breakdown on sunday, actually) but i stayed. and i sat. and i sang silently to myself all weekend. and i want you to know i do it all for love.