stalled

for some reason, i always know that when i say out loud 'i'm happy' that inevitably, it is bound to change. it's not that i'm feeling really unhappy, per se, just not in touch with the positive feelings i had been experiencing this last week. there are two major components involved; suffering from depression (that is usually not circumstantial), and the ending of a relationship. my feelings of contentment lately have not been regarding the breakup, of which i am still silently (and sadly) sorting out.

some things from the past few days...

a giant thank you to jonathan who, without solicitation, helped out with frances in a huge way this week (since she is no longer at her old school and has yet to start the new one). it was just a given and seriously appreciated.

i took frances to see 'monster house' in 3D. i honestly cannot remember the last time i saw a movie in 3D, but i'm guessing it involved a drive-in and a sweet wood paneled station wagon. and although i fell asleep for a bit, i enjoyed being there alone with frances. movies usually involve at least one other child which amounts to 10 times the work.

i do not know what i was thinking with these kittens. very cute but total bitches.

i almost started bawling in a meeting today. my boss is no longer going to be my boss and although he'll be right around the corner, it won't be the same. we've become good enough friends that i can almost overlook the nascar thing. and he loves 'the office' and never says anything about me being chronically 10 minutes late for work. nor did he say anything when i referred to the new boss as 'an ass' today in the meeting (with the new boss in attendance). in fact, he secretly gave me a thumbs up as we were leaving.

for bibliophiles... i recently discovered www.librarything.com. my username is francepants and i'll (hopefully) have all my books listed by the end of the weekend. i feel about books the way most people feel sex. wait. huh?

speaking of books, i cannot put this down.

frances has an unusual interest in movies for a four year old. she can recite parts of movies that she has seen only a couple of times. and she loves to talk about her favorite movies, as well, which includes 'princess mononoke', 'kiki's delivery service', 'my neighbor totoro', 'nausica, valley of the wind'...basically any miyazaki movie is a sure thing. so the other night, this is the conversation we had.

frances: 'how do you make a movie?'
me: (an overly involved answer which included casting and post-production - not really the answer she was looking for)
frances: 'can we make a movie?'
me: 'totally! do you want to make movies when you grow up?'
frances: 'well first i want to be a veterinarian but when i don't have to work or i get off early, then i want to make movies.'

frances and her friend karel (a girl) decided to have a wedding recently. i had mixed feelings about it, to be quite honest. not because they are both girls (please) but because this was not frances' idea. frances doesn't know a thing about weddings or being married (or what boys and girls do.) this other girl (who is about 6 months older) is really into this sort of stuff - kissing, wearing a bra (i swear she has one and wears it only under tank-tops so it will show. did i mention she is 5?) ok so karel decides that her and frances should get married and the idea of wearing a white princess dress was all the convincing frances needed. i felt obligated to let them do it at our house since it was kind of my turn to watch them. so even with my reservations (and slight irritation at the whole thing) i still made a cake. well really, i had no choice as karel showed up with not only a cake topper but tissue paper bells and little rings. so after the ceremony (which i officiated and pronounced them friends for life - only halfway meaning it) they ate cake and were allowed to drink their juice from wine glasses. frances got naked (as usual). here's what really irked me: karel got really bent out of shape over it (the nudity). obviously she doesn't know as much about real weddings as she thought!

laughing again

it's taken me quite a few days to pull it together to post. this last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. but not so much the up and down, more just the starting at the bottom and heading straight to the top. i'm somewhere in the middle -right when you know it's about to get really good but you're still scared shitless. last wednesday, i felt like it might have been time to unpack my bags and accept my new permanent residence in heartbreak hotel. it was bad.

earlier in the day, i found myself in the bathroom stall at work, crying my eyes out, praying to god to help me see the light. i'm not looking for a fucking miracle -i just need to feel a little of the weight lifted. needless to say, it didn't happen in that instance. no, that would have been destined for a lifetime movie of the week. what did happen was that as the day progressed, things started to shift. i still cried (a lot) but i didn't feel as though it wouldn't stop. i knew somewhere in the cracks of my mind that the end was near. and dare i say i was right? the days following only got better.

you will not find me on the mountain-top, mind you. but you will find me looking forward to being alone because i enjoy my own company (and i have a lot to do). and you will find me seeking out people who bring me happiness and inspiration or who make me laugh. people who remind me of my worth and that i deserve more. people who remind me that i am not who i've been thinking i am. everyone deserves people like this in their life. even if they sometimes seem nowhere to be found, open your eyes. your teachers are everywhere.

serendipity at work

today was good. it has been a very long time since i can say i felt happy. and today, there were moments that i felt so happy, i thought i might cry. i go through phases where i can really see how the universe wants to be on my side. that the invisible hand is there, ready to push me along the path of happiness and miracles. i know the miracles are there, everywhere. but only when i open my eyes and my arms to welcome them, whatever they may look like, can i really see it. and when this happens, my faith is restored in something much bigger than myself. and that feels really good.

and this is happening for a good friend of mine as well. it has been fantastic to witness the way something really awful has paved the way for new opportunities and growth. and it all seemed so perfectly timed, once we were able to see the good in the really bad.

there is a person out there who continues to show up in my life in the most unexpected and connected ways. and after showing up again today, i realized it was time to take action. i will share more about this cyclical encounter later. but it made me smile huge.

i also received an unexpected email from my only sister. this was really, really appreciated and needed in ways that surely she will never realize. we have not spoken in quite some time, but i think of her and her family often. it's funny that she emailed me, unaware of where i'm at in my life, about a t.v. show that of course, i've been watching. i can only hope that we will continue to talk. it has been a source of sadness in my life and frances needs to know some family members besides her mother.

lastly, i want to thank selma, who instantly made me feel at home today. i hugged this stranger twice in the course of an hour. she was exactly what i needed and it is because of her that a tremendous amount of stress has lifted from my life.

lastly, wayne dyer reminded me today to open my eyes to the teachers out there. that real magic does exist. and he's absolutely right. just go outside and see what happens.

sunday, bloody sunday (and when i say bloody, i mean in the english way)

this weekend was not much fun. i don't even expect them to be anymore, actually. on fridays, i cannot wait to get out of work, yet there is this feeling of impending loneliness that i can't ignore. and because i'm not much a fan of going out, there really isnt the kind of escape that most people with my condition (heartbreak-itis) usually turn to. i have to face it and see if it's true - that when you re-emerge from this place, you will learn much more than if you stuffed it away and replaced it with someone else or some other unhealthy distraction. is this to say that my diet of cigarettes, pot and caffeine is unhealthy? sometimes, its all i can do to put myself together and even in that, i am failing. i look like shit. i feel like shit.

i woke up this sunday morning and i felt very heavy, like a camel storing up all my water only for it to be released all hot and salty. i let myself cry and cry and cry. it was gutteral. it was not quiet. it was fucking sad. but it was coming for several days and something i read just set me off. and then i contemplated just really going for it...getting out the cd's and the pictures and let myself be swallowed up by the grief so i could then turn around and burn it all. maybe i still will. i love the new years eve tradition of writing down all the things you want to let go of from the past year and then setting the little pieces of paper on fire and watch the ashes fly away. this sounds like a realistic alternative to the resolutions i don't even bother making. it's only july, but perhaps now is a good time for a mid-year cleanse, to purge those things that have brought me sadness in 2006. and after the blaze, surely there will be the tiniest of seeds pushing up through the embers.


*esme/andrena, little city.

all things considered

i recently purchased an i-pod (i'm slow on the uptake with these things.) i put it in my glove box the day i got it since i wasn't going home for a while. that was 4 days ago and it's still there. i haven't bothered to bring it in because i can't listen to music right now. this is a drag for two reasons. one, the radio stations in austin aren't cutting it and two, my cd player isn't working in my car. like the last time, i'm listening to npr and nothing else. i feel so fragile that it would only take a song to knock me down. it happened at the grocery store the other day and to an embarrassingly bad top 40 song (two words: jessica's simpson.) i thought to myself, 'what if i just let the tears come right here in public while i continue to do my shopping? what would people think? would they stare at me or look away uncomfortably?' and as i wondered this, i fantasized that it would be what freed me. i keep thinking it will be the next chance encounter or the next newly discovered book that will ignite the shift. that there will something that just turns things around. just like that. and i get scared that it will be the perfect wrong words that will break me all over again. npr is safe. quiet. familiar. those things have been so long gone, i barely recognize its voice.


here is the party invitation that took way too long to make. one of these days i might just buy a pack of birthday invites and be done with it.

fortune-ate

i have these things to be fortunate about - from the last 24 hours....

frances' night-time playdate
the intense inspiration from andrea of superhero designs
a fantastic performance review
best wednesday wishes from brian
mr. dennis macdonald who said 'being a single mother is hard but you are doing a great job.'
angelica's hug
running into justin at HEB and the instantaneous connection (as always)
finding cherries for $2.99lb that actually taste good
richard giving me monster compliments (work related, of course)
our new kittens (despite my apprehension)
getting the party planning underway
finding a new pre-school for frances!!!

and lastly, yesterday afternoon, the security guard at work stopped me as i was walking by and said 'can i ask you something? why do you hardly ever smile? you have such a pretty smile?' and i said 'because i'm not happy.' which i think surprised him, but it was the truth. i thanked him and went on my way. but i realized when i got back to my desk that i didn't like my answer. it was the truth but he was trying to pay me a compliment - something i've never been good at receiving. i need to learn to say thank you and not try and convince the compliment-giver that they are mistaken. so thank you, security guard. you really did make my day.

p.s.
frances and i had fortune cookies before we went to bed last night. whenever i remember to buy them, i save them as a before bed treat. since fortunes tend to be a little abstract for 4 year olds, i always make up her fortune. it usually has something to do with bedtime - 'whoever falls asleep first will have the sweetest dreams.' it works like a charm. however, last night, she got the best fortune. it said 'you will soon witness a miracle.' i read the words exactly as they were. my fortune wasn't so bad either: 'someone is interested in you. keep your eyes open.'
i wonder who it could be?

cracking up

i had coffee with a friend last night and we commisserated about our broken hearts. she is much farther along than i am right now, in more ways than one. she has a little perspective but there is still the aspect of hanging on that plagues both of us. during the conversation, we discussed at length what we want in a relationship and i realized how long it had been since i laughed. really laughed from the gut. i don't know if there is anything more soothing than laughter. we pondered the lack of it in both of our lives and agreed that in our 20's, things were a lot funnier. i've always been rather serious, even as a child. it has taken me many years to sort of come to terms with the fact that i'm not the sunniest person around. i used to see it as a detriment. like i was supposed to be light-hearted and fun. when i tell people that my name was almost 'sunshine' we laugh together in the awareness that it would be the ultimate irony.

this is one of my favorite pictures of her. i believe i wrote her once telling her how much i loved when she really cracked up. how she would throw her head back just like a child. it was the best and i'm so glad i have it captured. it's painful to see someone i am in mourning over, looking happy in my old bedroom. i wish i could remember what was so funny.

i need to laugh again. i need a night out with people who make me smile and laugh about things that have nothing to do with my life. or maybe that is what i need - to laugh about all of it. instead i feel like crying every 5 minutes. nothing seems funny about hurting.

find a penny pick it up

i've been recently contemplating what role mere luck has in my life. i have notoriously bad luck. i believe my mother once said that if it weren't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all. but how much of one's life is based solely on luck or coincidence? are they the same things? i think that blessings and little miracles and lucky breaks all fall into the same category under the same heading....timing. if i had left 2 minutes earlier i wouldn't have gotten into this accident. if i had run back for the forgotten eggs than i wouldn't have bumped into my soulmate (if only!)

lately, i've been feeling really unlucky. my heart is really broken and i am really sad. being lucky in love is a notion that has eluded me my entire life. and as disheartening as this is, sometimes i wonder if it's better this way. better that i don't have lovely memories of times that are no longer, keeping me up at night. or is it worse that the memories i do have cause pain, yet i cannot seem to let go of my white-knuckled grip on them. this i don't know the answer to. i do know that there were times in the relationship where i said outloud 'i feel so lucky', and i did. if you've ever experienced moments in your life where you were with the person you wanted to be with most in the world doing the thing you wanted to do the most, consider yourself very lucky. i wish i could say i was of such a zen mind that i feel that way about every moment, because this moment is all there is. unfortunately, in this moment, i feel like shit. i feel lonely and hurt and empty and grief that is so dark and ugly that there are times i think it might swallow me. i know these are the times that i should be contemplating all the good things i have, but i'm not there yet.

maybe i need to make more wishes. who doesn't feel like the luckiest person in the world when it appears your wish has come true? i never wish anymore. when you see a child wish for something, their entire body changes. they wish with eyes closed tight and stiff arms a their sides (or is it just my child?) watching this, their belief is so infectious that you can't even fathom it not coming true. my wish for myself is that i will find my special-ness again. that i will remember how good the light feels. that i will no longer let myself be so unattended to. wish me luck.

the name game

my daughter frances and her beloved teacher unknowingly named this blog. frances has had several nicknames in her almost 5 years. thankfully her first, 'turtle-face' didn't stick (the name or the face.) recently i began calling her 'snowcone' for some unknown reason. after a short time, everyone had a nickname. i asked her one night before going to bed, what my nickname should be? she said she had to think about it. two books later i got 'snoozebutton.' it could not be more fitting for me. she made me proud, as i consider myself an excellent namer of things.
so this evening, frances and i went to her teacher (and my friends's) house for a short visit. frances offered to make miss esme breakfast. i just bought her a new set of little wooden breakfast foods, complete with pancakes, sausage, eggs, orange juice and butter for her kitchen. although frances eats fruit, yogurt, smoothies, and eggs herself for breakfast, when miss esme asked what she would be making, her response: 'poptarts and cupcakes.'
for the first time in frances' life, i actually bought pop-tarts. some friends recently went on a 3 day road trip, so i packed together some things to entertain and feed them, including strawberry poptarts with the sparkly, colorful sugar crystals. i myself hadn't had them since i was probably a teenager. i saved a package for me and frances. it was interesting to see her looking at them curiously. of course she also loved the sugary top and it was a fun treat to share with each other.