catch up pt. 1

i feel like all of these things keep happening and i want to write about them but my days just slip away from me. i'm home now, waiting for my car, so i thought i'd quickly get a few things out.

i spent this past weekend at the shambhala center for a meditation retreat. i invited my friend laurie who invited her friend jenn and we all met up for the start on friday evening. i had no idea what to expect but i knew that it was something that i needed to do. after the first 2 hours on friday night, i felt really excited about what was to come for the rest of the weekend. we started again on saturday morning, alternating between sitting and walking meditations. what this consists of is sitting cross legged on the floor, keeping your mind free from the constant chatter that plagues us all, in order to be completely 'in the present.' easy enough, right? no. this was definitely not 2 days of sitting around thinking. in fact, that is what you weren't supposed to do. and just like any other direction of 'try not to do ____' - that is exactly what your mind does. the first thing that i was overcome with was the intense physical discomfort. what i later came to learn was that regardless of how many years one has practiced, it still hurts. my back was screaming in pain and i was sure that every person in this silent room must have had heard me. i tried to meditate on the pain, as i did with childbirth, but the idea is that you don't think. so it was counter-productive in spirit, to even be thinking about the pain. but after every walking meditation when we would each return to our cushion for another round of sitting, i had this feeling of 'bring it on.' i saw it as a challenge to tough it out and stay present minute after painful minute. my mind would travel between the completely mundane ('i have got to get an oil change') and the painful ('why was i not good enough?')and then be absolutely still for just a moment. 10 seconds here, 20 seconds there. and in those brief moments i had this feeling (not a thought, mind you) that i was so very happy. and it happened over and over again but only for a few seconds at a time. why? well because i had a color me badd song stuck in my head the entire fucking weekend. i tried everything i could think of - replacing it with another badd pop-song, let myself sing the whole damn thing and get it out, mentally change the station.... but nothing worked.
by the next morning, i had forgotten all about the song. that is, of course, until i sat down and thought 'wait a minute!....there's something missing here' and just like that, there it was.

here are a few other thoughts that ran through my head in between my moments of peace:

'whoa! those are loud socks'
'dude. cut your toenails'
'hmmm...she's got a lot of clips in her hair.'
'i can't stand you' (to the guy with the toenails)
'i don't know if she should be wearing that tube top'
'someone's got halitosis' (in a sing-songy voice)

i got a lot out of this weekend. i did not leave feeling enlightened. i did not leave feeling a new sense of peace or freedom from my mind. quite simply, i left learning how to meditate - something that has intimidated me for many years. and i did see what i was made of. there were people that didn't make it after the first night. and more who left after the second day. it was not easy to stay. not physically and certainly not mentally (i did have a bit of a breakdown on sunday, actually) but i stayed. and i sat. and i sang silently to myself all weekend. and i want you to know i do it all for love.

fan fare

i recently went to book people to do a little research. i found out an author who i admire worked for GQ magazine and i thought i would see if i could find an address for her. this is not the first time i have wanted to write to someone. in fact, i have twice before. when i was eight i wrote a letter to annie lennox. this was 1983 and some might say telling of my future interests, if you will. several years ago, i wrote a letter to carole maso who wrote a book that i absolutely adored. naturally, i had to write to her to tell her what it meant to me. she never wrote me back. so there i am at the bookstore with my big fat GQ magazine and a cup of coffee. it has honestly been years since i have looked at a fashion magazine. this is probably not a big surprise to anyone who has seen my wardrobe as of late. my magazines of choice tend to either be totally house oriented or pure garbage - neither of which i ever actually indulge in buying (unless of course i'm flying somewhere at which point i proudly display the latest copy of US and people without shame.) sitting there with this magazine last sunday, i felt like i was embarking on uncharted territory. not just a fashion magazine, but a men's fashion magazine. of course, i was looking for some contact information for elizabeth gilbert and i had not lost sight of my mission. naturally, i was looking for the index page, which i thought was at the front. i mean, right? isn't it usually at the front? but i had to go back 4 times because i got so far in i thought FOR SURE i had missed it. page after intoxicating page, i got more and more interested in what was actually in this magazine. and i just couldn't wait to get to the part where they tell me! where could it be? ah ha! forty seven pages in and there it is, the table of contents. damn. no elizabeth gilbert. but what do we have here? zach braff sporting the newest tweeds for fall...in amsterdam? count me in. so i continue on, page after page, aghast at the brazenness of the ads (remember, house magazines advertise countertops. GQ advertises bare-assed women with pokey nipples, sipping on straws, all for an advertisement for tennis shoes except, of course, that the woman is wearing heels.) i digress. i had to find the pictures of zach braff and read about his breakup with the darling of the music industry, mandy moore. i finally get to the pictures and find myself totally wrapped up, just as i expected. skip ahead two hours and guess who's online at zach braff.com? what the ef? where is this coming from? i don't even watch scrubs nor do i follow the moves of famous people. i mean, unless there's something interesting that shows up on the yahoo home page when i check my email. and interesting is of course totally up for interpretation
but i've decided that zach and i have a lot in common and therefor i need to write and let him know. i mean, naturally, once he knows, he'll want to be pen pals and we'll become really tight and have inside jokes and he'll fondly refer to me as the 'other mandie.' (did i mention that i just spent this entire weekend at a meditation retreat? somehow, it seems as though my fanatical interest in zb is related to my insanely quiet and insular experience there.)
several months ago, i concoted a sort of social experiment with a friend of mine. we thought we should write fan letters to b-list celebrities and see if they wrote us back. the caveat - we each had to pick the other persons' 'celebrity' and the letter had to be genuine. we didn't want to be making fun of these people but instead rejoice in our similarities. well, as with a lot of my attempts at social experimentation, it has yet to come to fruition. of course it might be that i am still looking for a way to genuinely connect with oprah's boyfriend. he's a celebrity, right? hey esme. how's your letter to star jones coming along?

in my mailbox

just a quick post before i head into a 4 hour meeting that i am thrilled beyond words about. i went out for the first time in months last night - somewhat against my will, i might add. there was this, how shall i say, 'lesbian mixer' (and not like some handheld mixer with power tools instead of whisks) but mixer as in 'meet n'greet.' ugh. anyone who knows me knows i hate this stuff. the only thing this had going for it was it started at 7pm and wasn't in a bar. but, my dear friend laurie wanted to go (which, she confessed, she told her recent ex-girlfriend that she was going because i wanted to go. thanks a lot laurie.) the premise is you go, you get a number which corresponds with a mailbox and then people can leave you notes if they want to, um...(clears throat) know you. i hate it. all of it. first of all, i feel/felt embarrassed to be grouped with other women who were 'looking' as i am seriously not. and then you see people who you've been seeing out for years and years and i feel like i have so much bigger of a life than to be at this coffee shop waiting for some token of interest from a room full of, let's just be honest here, less than attractive women. don't get me wrong, there were some attractive women, but i was with them in the first place (in addition to laurie) and that doesn't count. so immediately upon arrival, we ordered a giant glass of sangria (not the best) and then something to nosh on. i probably could not have seemed less interested if i tried as i was quite happy with the goat cheese and fig plate i quickly consumed. anyway, the evening ensued and it wasn't so bad. and upon leaving, laurie went to my box and this is what she found...

'my oh my....you are hot!' - with no name. no number. which is perfectly fine. all it takes is one sweet note to make one feel better. even if it only lasted one night.


(here is a photo of frances in the hospital back in june. i'm too lazy right now to take a new picture)

re-cap, re-dux

i've been in too bad of a mood to write. so i'll recap the weekend, which was quite good, much to my surprise. actually, friday was not that great, now that i think about it. i took 3 extra strength tylenol at work for my back and next thing i knew, i was pretty much slumped over my keyboard, not knowing whether i was coming or going. it was an awful sensation and rest assured, i will never take tylenol again.
saturday, frances and i got tacos for breakfast before meeting martin and bella at the movies.
after that, we went to wheatsville to pick up our food for the rest of the weekend and then went home to wait for rubi dazzle and miss esme to come over for a sleepover. they got here around 6:30 and we decided to go to amy's to get ice cream and let the girls go nuts on the playground. when we got home, i finger painted rubi and frances, which seemed like a fine idea until they got in the pool to rinse off and took much kiss my face and scrubbing to get the aparantly water-proof finger paint off their little bodies. we finally got into bed around midnight, exhausted, full, clean (sort of.)
sunday morning, we all got up and went to little city for iced mochas and hot chocolate. when rubi's mom and dad came to pick her up, the had a big white box filled with mrs. johnson's. great. just what i needed. we then proceeded to target where i managed to escape for under $30 - an absolute first.
frances and i then went to shipe pool on the last day before closing for the winter (and i use that term very loosely.) shannon and family pulled up right behind us as we got there which was great. we then all reconviened at the house miss esme is watching to make dinner and play in the gorgeous backyard and (not so) secretly envy the homeowners and wonder 'why can't we live here???!!'
unbeknownst to me, monday was a 'workday' at frances's school. i found this out as i was trying to push open the very locked door. dammit! so i brought her with me to work and that lasted one whole hour. we spent the rest of the day going to the library and making cookies. yesterday, her new class openened and everything went very smoothly. only 364 days until she starts kindergarten. phew. i thought we'd never make it.

sugar cookies
2 C. flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 C. sugar
1 egg
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

mix dry ingredients. beat butter & sugar for 3 mins. add egg & vanilla & beat. add dry ingredients & mix on low speed. the dough will look like moist pebbles. chill dough for one hour. bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.

(i used sunspire chocolate candies instead of m&m's because the colors aren't soo...primary.)

my shadow

sitting here, watching 'the office' trying to relax. i've been in such a bad mood today and i hate when i'm like this. frances is getting on my last nerve, poor thing. and don't get me started with the cats, now named 'orange plum' and 'sagwa.' i think my contempt is rubbing off on frances as i keep hearing her scream 'SHUT IT!'

i've definitely moved into the anger stage of mourning. i wont get into it here as i vowed to no longer discuss it. but just know that i am pissed.

yesterday at starbucks, this employee - i mean barista, started talking about how shitty closing is but that luckily he closes shop with sam. and then he said 'it's like groundhog day (refering to the movie)...the same thing night after night after night, equally as miserable.' as i got into my car, i thought maybe that has been the (not so) subtle joke that the universe has played on me, year after year. that i will keep being presented with the same unsatisfying relationships with people who have nothing to offer and making the same mistakes ending up in the same place, until i get it. i believe this is also the difference between those elite enlightened few, and the rest of us. i do not want to be like bill murray, stumbling through the day, embarrasingly not seeing what a fool he is. but then again, someone found it charming.

p.s.
my birthday? february 2nd. go figure.

sigh

i've been wanting to write this last week but after all the party frenzy, i've totally wiped out. and just when i thought i could sit down with the laptop and get to it, i've come down with this nasty head cold. i was up all night in complete misery, went to work for an hour to wrap a couple of things up, came home, moved all the tissue off the bed and crawled in. i'm feeling mildly better - better enough to share some pictures, if nothing else.
i've been wanting ot wait to write about the party since i only took a few pictures and am waiting for those that a friend took. but the party was really nice. the days leading up to the party were completely insane...staying up half the night making 900 mini cupcakes, a birthday cake, treat bags - the list goes on and on and on. saturday was equally hectic. sam's boyfriend jonathan is quickly becoming my favorite person. it was 100 degrees outside and i had him up on a ladder hanging lights and the tent we made, only to have me look at it and say 'i hate it! let's put it over there.' he was a really good sport under my dictatorship and was smart enough to be excited after it was all set up. i'm really happy that sam has found someone who is such a sweet guy and who loves frances dearly.
people started showing up right at 7 and all seemed to make a b-line to the margarita machine. the music was good, the food was good, the company was good. my friends angela and her husband and their two children were the last to go, around 2am. i fell into bed completely exausted, only to find the sweetest 3 notes left on my bedside table. they were not completely anonymous but definitely unexpected and such a lovely (and much needed) treat. thank you to my (not so) secret admirer.
sunday, sam and jonathan brought frances home and we all sat and watched her open her presents. we then went to my friend shannon and her husband jason's house, where frances played with rowan and sophia and shannon and i went to wheatsville
when we got home, frances and i just spent some much needed alone time at home. we layed down on the couch for a short nap. this was one of the first moments since the breakup where i felt really at peace. happy to be alone with frances (and even the cats) amidst all the tissue paper and presents. frances is really well liked and every time she has a birthday or is sick and i see just how many people love her, i feel almost underserving.
so now, here i am, sick in bed, free-basing vitamin c. sam and jonathan went to connecticut for TEN DAYS! which means it's just me and snowcone. go figure i would come down with something when my only help leaves town. i've concluded that taking care of your child while you are sick is worse than doing anything else when you're sick, including going to work. i'm glad that the party is over so that i can get busy on the many other projects i have stewing around my head. i want to try and start making christmas presents before december (for once.) i'm also starting a women's creative group with a friend of mine at the end of the month and we have a lot to do to get ready.
things are shaping up around here. i'm feeling rather optimistic about the way things ar unfolding. strange what happens when you loosen your grip.

p.s.
i can't ever get my spell check to work properly. my apologies for misspelled words - something i would judge myself for.

*kids tent
** birthday cake (i didnt really mean for it to look like a giant hostess snowball)
***one of the notes i found in a gourmet magazine next to my bed
****the cupcakes (tip: get multiple mini-cupcake tins or this will take days)

sidetracked

i've been quite busy getting ready for the party and it's growing by the day. people who were going to be out of town aren't now so the numbers continue to swell. after saturday, i'll have plenty of time to impart my wisdom on the masses (all 3 of you who read this) but until then....


**frances preferred dinner attire
***frances watching monster house in 3D