my point of view

this morning i woke up, made frances breakfast, put her in the bath, cleaned the kitchen and got her ready for ballet. but not before making my 'cleaning house on saturday morning' playlist. here it is...

'those to come' - the shins
'stay up late' - talking heads
'slip slidin'away' - paul simon
'age of consent' - new order
'fidelity' - regina spektor
'steppin'out' - joe jackson
'dissapear' - INXS
'nakes as we came' - iron & wine
'glass, concrete and stone' - david byrne
'hold on hold on' - neko case
'atlantic city' - bruce springsteen
'all the umbrellas in london' - magnetic fields
'all i need' - air
'landed' - ben folds

what are your house cleaning playlists??

i also captured frances watching herself dancing in front of the mirror. i have a lot of these little videos on my camera and realized that i can now share them with others via youtube. one thing i can't seem to do is rotate the video, which is unfortunate because i always end up turning my camera on its side to get a full length view. so from now on, i wont do that, but in the meantime, here is my first contribution to youtube...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxSLQNPFGcM

if this link doesn't work, you can cut and paste in your browser or search youtube. the title of the video is 'get down girl' - enjoy!

it never hurts to be uplifted

if you missed this last night, try and catch it on the next air date. i meant to go straight to bed and had tivo-ed it earlier in the evening. needless to say, i started watching and couldn't stop.

finally

when i would read on someone's blog that they were taking a break from blogging, i always thought 'that's a bit much. i mean, how hard is it to sit down for 10 minutes a day and write something?' until i started to do it. it takes me at least an hour every time i write something and then to find a picture and upload it and edit and on and on, takes a good 35 minutes more. and then there's the content. the theme. sometimes my thoughts write themselves and i can just knock it out. i love when that happens. if i'm not inspired, however, i can't do it. so that's where i've been - hanging out, waiting to get inspired by something. anything. and then tonight, something really cool happened and i immediately wanted to tell the story. so i told the friend who i was on my to see and we talked about it for a while and looked up what it meant. later, after putting frances to bed, i was still thinking about it. that's when i realized i can simply share the stories that happen throughout the day. they don't have to relate back to some life-lesson or anectdote. i can just tell a story... (nearly) exactly how it happened.

frances and i were going to have a short visit with a friend after dinner. it's an amazing night in austin. the moon is so bright that everything seems lit up. and it's perfectly cool, too. sweater only-cool. when we got outside, i noticed it seemed unusually quiet for only being 8 o'clock. i heard this noise in the distance but sort of thought it was frances and sort of thought it was my imagination. and then frances said 'did you hear that? it was an owl.' and i said 'did you make that noise?' and she said 'no.' and i said 'did you?' and she said 'no. i really didn't' and then i heard it in the trees next to my yard. it was so scary and close, i got goosebumps. i knew it really was an owl. snowcone was right! then it flew up into the air circling around some birds before landing on the telephone pole across the street. it looked so solid yet so elegant in the air. and although we could only see the black shadow, you could tell when it was moving its' head around. we went to the balcony upstairs to get a better view. it was so cool to see an owl in real life for the first time, even though i think they are totally creepy and frightening.

i would love to hear about random sightings of weird animals or other oddities that you would like share. anyone???

saturday night's alright for crafting

i recently purchased the cutest little singer on the planet. we bonded (no pun intended) immediately. i've made numerous attempts in the past to teach myself to sew but could never manage to jive with the machine. it always felt disasterous any time a needle broke or a bobbin emptied. but this little baby makes it all so easy. and oh so right. and seeing as i am officially spending yet another saturday evening all alone, i may as well get started on my first ever attempt at something legit.
i saw this on one of my favorite blogs and thought i would make one for snowcone. getting squares to match up when you have done little to preserve the mathmatical aspect of patchwork anything is nearly impossible. but considering this was not only my first sewing project, but there was also no pattern or tutorial listed, i think it turned out fine. it will not work as a rug on my concrete floors (too slippery) so i have considered giving it to a friend who is about to have a baby. i think it would be perfect as a changing mat. i would've bought one when i was pregnant instead of the navy blue one i ended up with. and annoyingly enough, that thing is in every other baby picture of frances.

there are a lot of cute things to sew on craftster.org. any sewing only sites i'm missing out on? do share. and soon....very soon, i am going to list my favorites too.

a labor day labor story

every mother has one. today, i share with you the 6 hours that changed my life forever.

snowcone was due on september 10th, 2001 - one day before nine-eleven. as most delivery dates do, mine came and went without the slightest hint of movement, much less a contraction. i intended to continue working right up until i delivered, but after september 11th, i lost all desire to be anywhere except at home, waiting to meet this baby who i felt closer to than anyone else on the planet already. day after miserably hot day passed and there was still no frances. every night before i went to bed i thought 'tonight could be the night. please let tonight be it' but every morning i would wake up and spend the rest of the day hoping something would happen. skip ahead two weeks and there i am, no longer answering the 'are you still pregnant?!' phone calls. i couldn't leave my house for i thought if one more person said 'man! you look HUGE! i might go into spontaneous labor right there. my midwives were concerned about how late i was at this point. i was more concerned about my mental health since i had a very difficult (emotionally speaking) pregnancy and wanted nothing more than to get the baby out. we went in to see the doctor for a more thorough ultrasound which would check the placenta and make sure the baby still had enough amniotic fluid. he felt as though the baby was fine (this was tuesday) but if she wasn't born by friday, he wanted us at the hospital at 6 am. i immediately went home and began every known trick in the book to induce labor. my midwife brought over several herbs to start taking and i began using the breast pump non-stop, all the while i was filled with this dread that i was indeed going to have this baby in the hospital. thursday night came and i had to open all the paper bags which were prepared months before and cooked to just the right temperature in the oven (to sterilize). the preparation one must do for a home birth is extensive, and it felt like it was all for nothing. we pulled out all the blankets and the onesies, packed our cloth diapers and burts bees soap into my bag and set the alarm for 4am. waking up on the morning of the day you know your child is going to be born is the most surreal experience you could ever imagine. i took a long shower and got an unexpected phone call from a good friend, offering encouraging words. my midwife met us at the hospital at 6am. as soon as i got changed and settled into the bed, i started to cry. this wasn't the way this was supposed to happen. i was angry and afraid and no longer felt i had any control over what was going on around me. i tried to change the atmosphere as much as possible but there was no hiding the fact that this was going to be a hospital birth. the nurse started the small dose of pitocin (to induce contractions) around 7am. by 9am, the contractions hit me like a freight train. i remember the television was on and it was regis and kathy lee and as i was leaning over the bed tray i yelled to someone 'turn it off!'
contractions feel like you have to go to the bathroom real bad. number 2. i kept getting out of bed thinking i needed to go, dragging my i.v. with me while trying to keep the back of the hospital gown closed. as the contractions got heavier and heavier, my back felt like someone was trying to cut me in half. i kept saying 'my back hurts so bad' and that i just wanted a little something to take the edge off. luckily, during my contractions, i had either one or both midwives right in front of me breathing the entire one minute roller coaster with me. it is absolutely the only thing that saved me from the drugs. and when the contraction was over, i would fall asleep. after one particularly painful round, i remember one of my midwives deciding i would like it if she brushed my hair. my hair is curly and you don't brush curly hair. there i was, in the middle of labor, and all i could think was how awful my hair must have looked. i think i even made sam fix it at one point because i was so distracted by my own vanity and i was losing concentration. after several hours of this contraction/sleep combo, the strangest feeling came over me and in the middle of whatever i was saying, i had the uncontrollable need to push. like PUUUUUUUSSSHHHHHH it out. and it felt so very good. this marks the end of the painful contractions and the beginning of the painful pushing (except that it wasn't that painful, really. just different.) we were on the home stretch. pushing was difficult, but only because there was no room to breath, not when you've got your knees pulled up to your chest like that. it was so uncomfortable and i felt extremely vulnerable in that position (strangers gazing at the goods.) i pushed several times and the dr. told me to stop, abruptly. he was going to cut during my next contraction (although at the time, i wasn't aware this was about to happen.) he then said 'push' and he made the cut at the same time. this is the first and i believe only time i screamed during labor. with that last push, frances eliet mantos was born and everyone started crying, saying 'look down! look at your baby!' but i was so overwhelmed, i couldn't wrap my brain around what just happened. they removed the cord (which was wrapped twice around frances's neck) and placed her on my bare chest. i sobbed uncontrollably. this moment was the first and last time i have experienced such intense bliss (that wasn't drug related). i could not sort this all out. here she was, beautiful and pink and perfect and mine. i spent the next 24 hours with frances attached to my breast, both of us drifting in and out of the most magical sleep. ahh....sleep. sam and i intentionally had no visitors at the hospital. we wanted to savor these first moments of frances's life and it felt like the sweetest cocoon we had created right there in the most unexpected of places.

my midwife said this to me a few days before frances was born: 'having a home-birth is an amazing experience. but you have a baby to become a mother and wherever she is born, it will be perfect.' and it was.

second-hand news

one of the main reasons i wanted to start this blog was to share the stuff i find on my thrift outings. the blogs i visit regularly are all by other women who seek out the same kitsch that i do. i find myself feeling so jealous when one of them gets something really good (and cheap). austin is a pretty tapped market, but if you are diligent and consistent and you keep your secret spots to yourself, occasionally you strike gold. or maybe real silver.

pictures in order of appearance:

*a bathtime wooden tray puzzle. this is too young for snowcone but i couldn't resist. plus, i have a weekness for the vintage puzzles.
*a sweet little porcelan sugar bowl. cubes only.
*an orange plastic picnic set. when i got this home, i took everything out of its perfect carrying case and now, cannot figure out how to put it back together. seems like a running theme in my life.
*a ravensburger lotto game. vintage german ravensburger games are the best out there. the pictures on this game are so odd...mens undershorts drying on a line? a vacuum? but the pictures are precisely why i bought it.

i live for perusing the shelves of second hand stores. i prefer estate sales, actually, but frances is never interested in getting up early on saturdays to be drug around to dead peoples houses. i can't understand why. i tell her we are going 'treasure hunting' and that she has to look for the best thing she can find. it buys me a little time in whatever store or house we are in. i find my must have inside and frances, my little bag lady, finds her treasure in the parking lot. on the ground. a piece of broken, colored glass and an old candy wrapper. i guess it's true, one person's vintage mccoy planter is another person's crumpled up gum wrapper. i appreciate frances finding the beauty in every last piece of crap she comes across. i only hope she grows out of it when she starts dating.

catch up pt. 1

i feel like all of these things keep happening and i want to write about them but my days just slip away from me. i'm home now, waiting for my car, so i thought i'd quickly get a few things out.

i spent this past weekend at the shambhala center for a meditation retreat. i invited my friend laurie who invited her friend jenn and we all met up for the start on friday evening. i had no idea what to expect but i knew that it was something that i needed to do. after the first 2 hours on friday night, i felt really excited about what was to come for the rest of the weekend. we started again on saturday morning, alternating between sitting and walking meditations. what this consists of is sitting cross legged on the floor, keeping your mind free from the constant chatter that plagues us all, in order to be completely 'in the present.' easy enough, right? no. this was definitely not 2 days of sitting around thinking. in fact, that is what you weren't supposed to do. and just like any other direction of 'try not to do ____' - that is exactly what your mind does. the first thing that i was overcome with was the intense physical discomfort. what i later came to learn was that regardless of how many years one has practiced, it still hurts. my back was screaming in pain and i was sure that every person in this silent room must have had heard me. i tried to meditate on the pain, as i did with childbirth, but the idea is that you don't think. so it was counter-productive in spirit, to even be thinking about the pain. but after every walking meditation when we would each return to our cushion for another round of sitting, i had this feeling of 'bring it on.' i saw it as a challenge to tough it out and stay present minute after painful minute. my mind would travel between the completely mundane ('i have got to get an oil change') and the painful ('why was i not good enough?')and then be absolutely still for just a moment. 10 seconds here, 20 seconds there. and in those brief moments i had this feeling (not a thought, mind you) that i was so very happy. and it happened over and over again but only for a few seconds at a time. why? well because i had a color me badd song stuck in my head the entire fucking weekend. i tried everything i could think of - replacing it with another badd pop-song, let myself sing the whole damn thing and get it out, mentally change the station.... but nothing worked.
by the next morning, i had forgotten all about the song. that is, of course, until i sat down and thought 'wait a minute!....there's something missing here' and just like that, there it was.

here are a few other thoughts that ran through my head in between my moments of peace:

'whoa! those are loud socks'
'dude. cut your toenails'
'hmmm...she's got a lot of clips in her hair.'
'i can't stand you' (to the guy with the toenails)
'i don't know if she should be wearing that tube top'
'someone's got halitosis' (in a sing-songy voice)

i got a lot out of this weekend. i did not leave feeling enlightened. i did not leave feeling a new sense of peace or freedom from my mind. quite simply, i left learning how to meditate - something that has intimidated me for many years. and i did see what i was made of. there were people that didn't make it after the first night. and more who left after the second day. it was not easy to stay. not physically and certainly not mentally (i did have a bit of a breakdown on sunday, actually) but i stayed. and i sat. and i sang silently to myself all weekend. and i want you to know i do it all for love.